i thought i would have a lot to say this week because i went to tony’s 4th annual birthday bbq in heaven last sunday, quit smoking and moved out of my apartment and was surprisingly sad about it my first night in the new place. WRONG. i had very little to say and ended up sitting in silence most of the time until the end when i started babbling about weirdos, lion fish and angler fish. i always end up not talking about or only briefly mention the things that i think seem important and ramble on about things that aren’t, or at least don’t seem to be. but apparently, this is what psychoanalysis is all about- crazy rambles.
the more i try to understand myself and why i am the way i am and do the things i do, the more confused i get and the weirder i feel. for some reason, i feel like i’m lying a lot even though i’m pretty sure i’m not, like sometimes my perception is SO different from yours that what feels real to me, isn’t. like last week, my roommate kept insisting that this rug that we had was navy blue even though it looked completely brown to me. she made me feel like i was going crazy bananas! it was so frustrating and unsettling knowing that what i see, plain and simple in front of me, that is rug is brown, isn’t. i think i get different degrees of that same feeling when trying to figure out what’s going on with me. that plus the fact i feel really narcissistic during those sessions and these blogs makes me feel like a crazy self-involved asshole. i made some dumb joke about how the narcissism might make me drown and she laughed.. i like when people think im funny.
