pues, sobre mi

for an art theory course during my senior year at a well-regarded university, i had to write a senior thesis/manifesto/statement to basically explain what i do and why. i still have some of issues with it but i figure its probably the best way to explain myself so i’m gonna post it here.

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I’ve been really into this Cartoon Network program, “Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends.”

In this world, imaginary friends become real the instant a kid thinks them up. Everyone can see them, everyone can talk to them — but what happens when a kid outgrows his friend? Then that friend is welcome at Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends, an adoption center owned by old Madame Foster, that provides a home for them, until a child in need of an imaginary friend, who can’t think their own up, comes to adopt them (TV.com).

If there is anyone that is the epitome of how I am, it’s this imaginary friend, Bloo. He is a slightly ADHD, fun-loving asshole who shakes things up and causes some trouble but has a good heart when push comes to shove.

Although, I’m a little bit more complex than he is.

I’m sort of a savant when it comes to remembering useless details and quotes from movie and television. Most of what I hear and see in real life fade away but cinema lasts. Andre Bazin had a theory that the true goal of the cinema is an all-encompassing experience, which he called “total cinema.” Cinema is hard to distinguish from real experiences because it’s so realistic and complete. I’m too detached from life right now, not knowing who I am and walking around in the shell of the girl I used to be. I identify more with a little blue blobby thing and fantanstical things happening on-screen in Pan’s Labyrinth than the things that actually happen in real life.

“Death to Videodrome! Long live the new flesh!”
I really like references- in any medium, like the “Harold and Maude” poster in the first scene in “Y Tu Mamá Tambien”, when Bloo runs into The Dude from The Big Lebowski at a bowling alley, and especially in music; specifically, in hip-hop. A Tribe Called Quest sampling Lou Reed’s “Take A Walk on the Wild Side” in “Can I Kick It?”, Nina Simone’s voice recycled in Talib Kweli’s “Get By”, Aretha Franklin’s “One Step Ahead” looped in Mos Def, James Brown in Public Enemy. One of life’s little secrets that I’m in on.

What the hell am I writing about?
What am I doing?
This is weird.

There are a lot of things, maybe too many that I don’t know about myself right now. At least enough for me to not know what I’m supposed to be personally stating in this personal statement. The act of writing a personal statement is forcing me to be really self-conscious and as someone who really likes repressing things, this freaks me out. I had an interview last week and one of my questions was, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Fuck! My least favorite question in the world!
Then I had what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity.
I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to be doing. But you know what? That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Why do I wanna commit myself to working towards one goal right now when I don’t know what I want? I want to see what’s out there, find out what I like, see what life has to offer.

I’m sick of subways, cell phones, MTV and celebrity gossip.
I want to be excited about something, I want a dare-to-be-great situation. I want to go to countries I know nothing about. I want to see Tierra del Fuego and penguins in Antarctica, scuba dive in Australia, snowboard in the French Alps, smoke hash in Casablanca. And I’m determined to teach a sea lion or an elephant how to paint before I die.