talking and not talking

when i first started my sessions, i felt really uncomfortable sitting silently in this anonymous, window-less room with its willy wonka wall and sorta cheesy monet print. not that monet is cheesy but it’s a crappy looking print with a red trim with CLAUDE MONET written in gold lettering, bordered in some cheap gold frame, hanging on the wall like it was put there without consideration.

it’s awkward to just start talking and trying to tell them all these important things without anything to prompt it. i never know what to start talking about when i first get in there after the initial ‘hi, how are you.’ i settle down on the couch, mentally scan all my memories of the past week since we last spoke and if i think anything is worth mentioning, i do. otherwise, i just lay there, twiddling my thumbs in silence.

i mentioned to her that starting july 1st, the day after i move into my new apartment, i am gonna quit smoking cigarettes, which i’m worried about because i enjoy smoking so much but i think its something i should do. i dont really wanna go into why or why i like it so much and i didnt want to so much with her either.

after we sat in silence for a little while after that, she brought up the 5 things psychoanalysis encourages you to talk about, even though i cant remember all five.

1. whatever pops into your head
2. sex…? thats it
3. things in the room
4. how you feel about your therapist, whether they be positive or negative. and they encourage the negative
5. i dont remember the fifth one because we talked about the fourth one for awhile. sorry. maybe ill remember to ask next time.

we talked about the news and why i talk about the news. we do that a lot; talk about something and then talk about why we’re talking about it.