talking and not talking

when i first started my sessions, i felt really uncomfortable sitting silently in this anonymous, window-less room with its willy wonka wall and sorta cheesy monet print. not that monet is cheesy but it’s a crappy looking print with a red trim with CLAUDE MONET written in gold lettering, bordered in some cheap gold frame, hanging on the wall like it was put there without consideration.

it’s awkward to just start talking and trying to tell them all these important things without anything to prompt it. i never know what to start talking about when i first get in there after the initial ‘hi, how are you.’ i settle down on the couch, mentally scan all my memories of the past week since we last spoke and if i think anything is worth mentioning, i do. otherwise, i just lay there, twiddling my thumbs in silence.

i mentioned to her that starting july 1st, the day after i move into my new apartment, i am gonna quit smoking cigarettes, which i’m worried about because i enjoy smoking so much but i think its something i should do. i dont really wanna go into why or why i like it so much and i didnt want to so much with her either.

after we sat in silence for a little while after that, she brought up the 5 things psychoanalysis encourages you to talk about, even though i cant remember all five.

1. whatever pops into your head
2. sex…? thats it
3. things in the room
4. how you feel about your therapist, whether they be positive or negative. and they encourage the negative
5. i dont remember the fifth one because we talked about the fourth one for awhile. sorry. maybe ill remember to ask next time.

we talked about the news and why i talk about the news. we do that a lot; talk about something and then talk about why we’re talking about it.

surprise!

on the top right corner of this page, there’s a little smiley face

little things DO matter

right now might not be the best time to write this because im stoned but i need to do this soon before i forget. my session was on monday this week instead of the usual tuesday because my therapist was “traveling” this week. i didnt bother asking her where she was going, or if i did it was as a joke because after asking her about her weekend, i knew i wouldnt really get an answer.

this week i talked about how i felt like a stupid fucking jerk for leaving the giant painting gaby made at the studio to eventually get thrown out or stolen or whatever. and the way i deal with that (“that’s a loss and it fucking sucks but there’s nothing i can do about it”) is the way i deal with everything. if something is pissing me off or upsetting me, i immediately displace myself from the situation and move on. im starting to wonder if thats the best approach because i dont think it is- theres way too many unresolved feelings festering inside of me like that raisin in the sun, that dream deferred.

p.s. did you know langston hughes was gay?

umm i mentioned the childrens book im trying to make, “little things matter”
she said, ” how wonderful”
i need to think about this book some more before i write anything so ill get back to that later.

and we also talked about my ex- john mcg. i really dont like talking about because id rather just write him off as some asshole in my life and forget about him then deal with how horrible he made me feel and that he actually mattered.

anyway, my dear diary, thats all i feel like writing for now. i need to finishing watching this bette davis film i started. i like the way people look in classic picture, why dont people look like that anymore? like, classy?

a few days ago

this week, my therapist told me im curious and observant. tell me something i dont know.

instead of sitting in a chair, i laid/layed/lied(? who cares?) down on the high school nurse’s office bed/couch thingy facing opposite of her they way they do on dr katz and all other representation of someone getting therapy. como esto…

so i spent about 15 minutes staring at this random monet print hanging on the wall and the moulding in corner of the room. it looks like there’s an optical illusion where the corner walls bend, except the corner wall is actually bending and its not an optical illusion. and i wondered what the room on the other side of that wall looked like.

to make conversation- to keep talking, which is apparently what psychotherapy is all about, i asked my therapist what she did last weekend. (which i guess is a really weird thing to ask your therapist?? i dont know anything about acceptable behavior anymore.) that led to us having a whole conversation about my asking her what she did that weekend instead of her answering my question. and what i learned about myself is that im curious, but not that interested.

little boxes

anyway, so what i wrote before it got deleted forever was that therapy was super awkward and because i was doing what i always do- avoiding dealing with or talking about my feelings. and instead, staring at an ugly red rug that i just drew because that’s what most of my attention was focused on.

i hope as i continue these sessions, i can finally deal with all the feelings and issues that i haven’t been dealing with for the past 4 years of my life, doing all the things i thought i was supposed to be doing while i was drowning in college life, antidepressants, weed and booze. i mean, being really detached and numb and floating in a haze through life was ok, i guess. really great defense mechanism and all but i think its time to grow up and actually deal with life. maybe learn a thing or two about myself? what i want, maybe? because let’s face it, im drifting by right now, not knowing what im doing or where im going. but i DO know that im supposed to do something REALLY great and awesome with my life. i just have ni puta idea as to what that is yet… but i will.